self love

Dear Elizabeth,

The words over sensitive, cry baby, touchy, dramatic, and thin skinned are all words you're familiar with.  You've been called them you're entire life.  You know the humiliation of crying for every emotion: angry, happy, sad, excited and hate how it makes you appear weak. You've tried every trick from pinching yourself to looking up at the ceiling to try to ward off the tears, but nothing works. You've cried in professional settings when it was wildly inappropriate.  You've had a superior, who you admire, roll their eyes at you and ask "WHAT, Elizabeth?" when tears of frustration rolled down your cheeks.  You vividly recall the conversation was about a student who was having a major mental health crisis. The tears were because there was absolutely no help available to them. Your 20 something self just couldn't understand how this could be true.  Your 40 something self still doesn't understand it.  

Your heart is easily broken.  You've had a hard time lately because of this.  The hurting and loss in our world just feel too big and it's all just too much.  There's too much violence, and too much sadness, and too much taking.  Sometimes you feel like you can feel the darkness looming and you're afraid it's going to swallow you whole.  That's when you have to shut out the outside world and circle the wagons.  You call on your tribe and hug your babies.  You clench your fists and shut your eyes and pray with all your might that the cracks in your heart will heal.

You love fiercely.  Loving this way brings blessings and risks. You know the joy of true intimate friendship- sisterhood of the heart.  The kind of friendship that makes mothering and marriage doable.  When you love this way your hearts entwine and their hurts become yours.  Their fall is your fall.  There is no way around it- you can't separate the joy from the hurt.  

Elizabeth, You have wished your sensitive heart away many times. At times the hurt and embarrassment it brings just doesn't seem worth it.  The older you get though, the more you realize the blessing you have been gifted. There is a strength in your sensitivity and you are learning to embrace it and be proud of it.  So much of who you are is wrapped up in nurturing.  You love being a mother, caring for your foster kitties, and hope to someday do something with  children again. Your sensitivity helps you do all of those things. 

This world won't change without sensitivity and hope.  That threatening darkness that you sometimes feel creeping in won't be fought back if you hide. You're going to have to love fiercely, have your heart broken, cry at times, and do it all over again.  That's the only way.  You're going to have to use your gift.

Love, 

Elizabeth