In the past F's job was very demanding, but we saw him in bits and pieces. While I was on my own the majority of the time I did get sporadic relief/help. Being the only adult in charge of 5 children for 7 days straight is a whole new game. I'm an introvert and having to be "on" 24 hours a day leaves me exhausted. I am quite literally out of words by the end of the day. F will call and I'll have to apologize and explain that our very talkative children have used up my word quota and we'll have to try again tomorrow. I crave quiet and solitude the way I craved donuts when I was on weight watchers. It's crazy!
While things have gotten easier I still have my moments. This evening wasn't pretty and I feel terrible about it. The kids had been out of control most of the day. We had a huge storm this morning and our patio furniture had been tossed in our pool. I spent an hour dragging it out and feeling sorry for myself that I had to do so. One of our dogs keeps following me around staring at me. I know she wants/needs something, but I can't figure out what. At first it worried me and now it's just creepy. Rhodes has started screaming this super high pitched scream. All the time. Happy or sad or mad. And then there's O. Oliver is being 100% noncompliant 100% of the time. Fun times. All of this adds up to me being one big ball of nerves. I decide a glass of wine is needed. Just as I'm starting to relax Laurel runs up and garnishes my glass with a twig.
This is the point where I start to lose my shiz. I won't embarrass myself by replaying all the details, but I will say that there were tears (mine), yelling, stomping, and a rousing command of "everyone to bed NOW" at 7:00.
During the stomping random things keep running through my mind...
"Why did God make THIS my path? This is HARD"
"I need a nanny"
"I'm making some rules and I'm going to post them on the pantry door"
"These kids are UNGRATEFUL"
Then I stop.
The house is totally quiet. I suddenly feel ashamed. I sit down in the nearest chair and I just listen. I listen to the quiet and feel in my bones that I'm exactly where He wants me to be. I just need to quit fighting. I'm trying to do this on my own. He's letting it be hard on purpose so I'll need Him. I don't need a nanny. I don't need rules. I need Him.
Tomorrow I'm waking my sweet Bigs up a bit early for a breakfast meeting. We're going to have coffee-milk and a talk. I owe them an apology. Then we're going to make and sign an agreement that says we promise to treat each other with kindness and we promise to notice each other. It's important that we really see each other. We can't support each other if we are always looking at ourselves. That goes for mama too.
