Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Little vs. Big

When I was in college I had an amazing professor named Dr. Sludor.  She taught several educational foundation courses which everyone had to take before they started their specialization classes. Sometimes a lecture would take a turn towards a particular specialty she would call out "Listen up little kid people!" or "Pay attention to this big kid people!". I knew I wanted to specialize in early childhood education so I always sat up a little straighter when I heard her mention my peeps.  I was proud to be a Little Kid Person!

My preference for working with young children stayed with me all throughout my career.  I taught preschool, kindergarten and first grade.  I once had a principal tell me that my assignment the following year would be second grade and I about had a heart attack.  "SECOND GRADE?!? But they're BIG!" When I started having my babies I had no qualms about caring for them.  I was confident I was meeting their needs and was enjoying every moment of it.

I had a really hard time when Will turned 7.  All of a sudden he didn't want to be called Willy and he wanted a Nintendo DS instead of a Leapster. He started closing the door when he got dressed and he had friends that I didn't know.  All of those things are natural milestones (well, not the DS) but knowing that didn't make them sting any less.  It was an awkward year full of pushing and pulling by both of us. I wanted Will to grow up and be independent, but I wasn't sure how to deal with a 11 year old.  I was so good with babies and toddlers, but what about tweens and teens? Just thinking about it made my anxiety go crazy.

Throughout all of this the constant joy for both of us was reading.  Will had become a voracious reader.  He was reading books meant for much older kids than 7 and was desperate to talk about them.  We spent many hours laughing and talking about characters and plots.  We scoured Barnes and Noble looking for the next book in our favorite series and jumped with excitement when a long awaited release date finally arrived.  One afternoon after a particularly good conversation it dawned on me that I was really enjoying Will as a person.  I liked his point of view and looked forward to our conversations.  It was different than when he was a toddler and snuggled in my lap to read books, and I had to admit that I enjoyed it so much more! 

Fast forward to now and Will is almost 10.  We still have the best book talks, but now Grant, who is 8, joins us. My relationship with them is rich and full of laughter. Every day they amaze me with an observation or an odd fact and I get a little glimpse of the men they are growing into.  I've learned that during this stage of parenting I will never have the confidence I had while raising them as babies and toddlers.  The saying "The bigger the kid the bigger the problem" is most definitely true. I've had to commit myself to learning as I go. I can't anticipate and prevent issues with them like I could when they were younger. There are just too many unknowns and outside influences.

I could have never anticipated the amount of joy these big kids would bring me. Any uneasiness I have about our next journey (the tween years!!!) diminishes when I think about how much I worried about the stage I'm currently enjoying. Who knew that I'd be just as proud to be a "Big Kid Person"?  


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Reflection

I should not be allowed to blog when sleep deprived.  I apologize for my very Faulkner-like stream of consciousness rambling last blog post.  While it was very honest and straight from my heart it was an absolute disaster to read.  I have been feeling very unsettled lately (I know you're totally surprised) and last week I just sort of threw up on my computer and hit publish.  Thanks for sticking with me and for offering sweet words of support. 

Back to this fall.  I've been in a weird place and my first instinct was to place  the blame outside our home. I felt pulled in too many directions and that my children were suffering because of it. You saw that ugliness in my last blog post.   Knowing she had been in my situation I talked to my sweet SIL and took her advice. I thought about our family's priorities and values and made a list of what I wanted for us. I truly thought this was going to lead us to homeschooling. So many of my frustrations come from drop offs, pick ups, homework, practice times, meetings, therapy times, etc., etc.  In my mind eliminating the hustle and bustle of school and tailoring a curriculum to our needs/wants would simplify things.  I was surprised to find that the thought of pulling our bigs out of school broke my heart.  I love our school.  I love the relationships we have with the teachers.  I love crossing my fingers every August hoping we get our beloved favorite for that particular grade level. I love that we have to wipe tears away in May when we say goodbye.  I love our custodian, Ms. Doris, who went thru the twins pregnancy with me.  The babies know her and get big smiles when they see her in the halls.  I appreciate the rigor of the curriculum, and while I complain that I need to visit youtube to help with homework, I'm proud that my bigs rise to the challenge.  I love serving on the PTA board.  I know that debating fundraisers isn't curing cancer, but it makes me happy. Ok, no changes to school then.   I also looked at the extra curricular activities the bigs are involved in.  They each have one activity.  G takes guitar lessons out of our home and W is in cub scouts (F even takes him to the meetings).  No changes to be made there either. 

At this point I'd just resigned myself to having to learn to feel satisfied with the status-quo.  I needed to work on getting more sleep and more "me" time, but life with five kids was never going to be calm or simple.  Then God spoke.  Loudly.  Bluntly.  I love it when He does that. In my devotional yesterday:

"I will hold myself to a standard of Grace and not perfection."

One of the happiest times of my life was when the twins were brand new.  It didn't matter that I had very little help and that I had to balance 3 other young children. I was so focused on my family that everything else fell to the wayside. It was the first time in my life that I wasn't holding myself to the ridiculously high standards I usually set.  My job was to nurse the twins, play with Oliver, and be with W and G when they got home from school. If I failed at anything else it was no problem because I had the built in excuse of new twins.  Beds not made? New twins  Cereal for dinner? New twins  Dirty floor? New twins  O's watching too much TV? New twins  There was no pressure only happiness and a feeling of contentment.  I showed myself grace because I knew I was doing the very best I could do.

Why is it so important that all the beds be made before I leave the house every morning? Why does my calendar have to be color coded? Why does every toy have to be put away before naptime and before bedtime? Why am I so disappointed in myself if I don't do these things? Where did the grace go? 

I have a very nurturing spirit and love to mother.  Frank jokes that my maternal instinct is too developed. I wish I could somehow shift some of that nurturing and mothering to myself. There just isn't room in my life for the frantic, hectic, guilty energy that comes from perfectionism.  This was also in my devotional yesterday:

"When we take the time to really be thankful for the lives that we lead, that recognition of our blessings will eat up the space we would normally fill with noticing what we don't have or what we're not." emphasis mine

I once read that thankfulness is an art form.  I believe that.  I know that the absolute gratefulness I felt when my babies were finally home from the NICU and thriving is very different than the thankfulness I feel today.  I want to get back to the selfless praise that leads to grace.







Thursday, October 8, 2015

Is it even possible?

This fall has been really hard.  I've been struggling to balance all the kids' different needs and am ashamed to admit that I think I'm failing.  There are days where the only one on one time my kids get with me is homework help and diaper changes.  O doesn't need either one of those so I guess he's out of luck.  There have been afternoons where the twins have spent multiple hours in their car seats as I run from pre school pick up to elementary school pick up to occupational therapy. People reassure me that the twins won't remember and that I'm doing the best I can, but I'll remember and I know they deserve better than to sit in the car for 3 hours twice a week.  

I recently saw the hashtag "collect memories".  It seriously brought tears to my eyes.  I started this blog as an attempt to do just that.  Collect precious tidbits, pictures, and my impressions of this time. I know I can't get it back.  I just can't seem to find the time to post.

I'm sacrificing sleep for time alone.  Instead of getting the sleep I NEED to function I'm staying awake reading so the introvert side of me gets the quiet space I NEED to function. I can't win.

I crave simplicity.  I need it to be my happiest.  My calendar does not look simple.  It looks full. This does not make me my happiest.

All of this to say that I need to figure out how simplicity looks with five kids.  Is that even possible?  We seemed to be in such a good place last year and now everything seems so hectic.  I'm not sure what changed, but I'm going to spend this weekend thinking about how to get back there. 







Monday, August 10, 2015

Happy Birthday!

I turned the big 4-0 last month.  It's taken me this long to post about it because It really threw me for a loop.  40 has always been my age. The "you're officially middle age the best is over what do I have to look forward to if you say grand kids I'll cry" age.  After my birthday I did some thinking, started my anti aging skin care regime, and settled into my new decade.

Being at this point in my life means I've learned a few little things:

1) I will never ever look good in skinny jeans.  
2) Never leave home without a book.  
3) Hard boiled eggs make your fridge smell like feet. 

I've also learned a few big things.  These are the hard won lessons that came from God and usually with many tears.  

1) As my good friend Sabrina says "It doesn't cost anything to be kind". For many years I thought that kindness and strength were mutually exclusive.  That the delivery of my message wasn't near as important as my message.  That's simply not true.  I've never once regretted softening my words and usually find that I get a better response/result if I come from a place of kindness.  We all deserve kindness and grace and I do my best to approach others from this point of view. 

2) Silence is OK.  My former boss and friend, Julie, taught me that gaps in conversation don't always need to be filled. I've found that if I can get through the uncomfortable tension that what follows is usually profound and gets to the heart of whatever we're discussing.  This has served me well in my marriage and in my relationship with my oldest son.

3) Most everything in life is gray.  There is always a "but what about...?" even if it's not being said.  Reducing everything down to a 'right or wrong 'point of view shuts down growth and makes it impossible to be anything other than judgmental.

4) I need God.  I cannot do this life on my own. When I try I fail. If I look back on the times I really struggled it wasn't necessarily when something awful had happened but was when I was furthest from Him. These times were full of unease and anxiety.  I felt like something was missing and I couldn't stop moving.  Things would fall back into place once I adjusted my focus. Whenever I start feeling antsy I know I need to spend some time in prayer. 

5) Women need women.  My husband lost his sweet stepfather early in our marriage.  After Joe's death we picked up his mom from the airport and drove her two hours home. She held it together the entire ride but fell apart as soon as she saw the friends who were waiting for her.  She knew they understood and she felt safe.  She could just be.  It would be several years later before I could really understand the depth of that kind of friendship.  My girlfriends and I have supported each other through the birth of children, the ups and downs of marriage, chronic and painful illnesses, and the struggle of keeping it together for our families.  Our spirits understand and soothe each other with a depth that truly can only be a blessing from God. I'm so thankful that Laurel will grow up seeing these relationships. 


Here's to always learning and to being on the better side of The Hill!














Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Parenting Through Depression and Anxiety

I used the word through in the title of this post purposely.  Most of the time authors use the word with, but after some thought I decided that the word with makes me angry.  Depression and anxiety aren't my partners.  We aren't arm and arm working together.  They are unwelcome inhabitants in my village.  They are the filter that distorts the way I see life.  I have to fight through them to be the kind of wife and mother I want to be.

I've suffered from generalized anxiety disorder my entire life.  As a child I was described as "sensitive" and "emotional". I took everything personally and seriously. I never talked to my parents about it because I thought everyone suffered from insomnia in August (because school would be starting soon) and that stomach pain so intense it kept me from eating was just part of summer camp.  Things got easier for me in college as more things were in my control: the classes I took, where I lived, and how social I was or wasn't.  My first experience with depression was after my first miscarriage. I could feel it hit.  I was lying on the ultrasound table listening to my Dr. apologize after not finding a heart beat. I went numb and stayed that way until the birth of my first child, Will, close to two years later.

Depression and anxiety are still apart of my life. I've learned how to cope with them better, but I still have moments where they get the best of me. After so many years I know what my warning signs are. A big signal that I'm spiraling down is when normal household noise becomes too much.  I startle at Oliver crashing cars and the sound of forks on plate makes me grit my teeth.  I also start to isolate and withdraw. Answering calls, responding to texts, and seeing friends are all impossible. Keeping my tears at bay and forcing myself to interact with my family "normally" is such an effort that I literally have nothing left.  

This summer I've been struggling with depression.  It's not debilitating, but it's there.  I know all the right things to do: take my Zoloft at the same time every day, go for walks, sit in the sunshine, pray.  I've been faithful in my self care but it's not budging.  In the past I would have soldiered on and worn myself out trying to hide it from my kids, but last week it hit me that they need to know about this.  My struggles are genetic.  My mom and brother both share them just like we share our sarcastic sense of humor. It took me until I was an adult to recognize that my feelings weren't typical and for my brother and I to reach out to one another.  We are now very open and honest about how we're doing, but I often think about how much easier our burdens would have been if we recognized what was happening as children or teens.

After some thinking and prayer I decided to have a conversation with my 3 oldest. I waited until we were playing in the pool to start the discussion.  Even though I was a nervous wreck and agonizing over the right words I wanted the conversation to feel casual.  I started off by asking them if they ever felt sad or nervous. They all responded that they did and gave very typical examples. After talking about all their responses I asked them if they every felt sad or worried but couldn't figure out why. I explained that Mama's brain was mixed up and sometimes I got sad or worried for no reason. One of the boys jumped in with his experience with anxiety and helped me talk about ways we can help those confusing feelings go away.  I quickly touched on how other people in our family had these feelings too so to not be surprised or scared if they experienced them. It was a very quick and light discussion. 

The last thing I want to do is plant negative or scary ideas in my children. My intent was to start creating an environment/culture where discussing struggles and feelings is normal. I want anxiety and depression to have names.  I want them to develop an awareness of the signs and to feel confident about reaching out if needed. I want to help them avoid my years of struggle. Hopefully we're off to a good start.









May and June

 
It's the last day in June and I've not updated the blog since the beginning of May.  I've written about 4 posts over and over in my head and never taken the time to sit down and write.   I can tell.  I use writing to process and reflect.  When I'm not taking the time to distance myself and really think about where I am and how things are going my days run together and my attitude suffers.  I don't notice the little things that typically make me smile and I get bogged down in diapers and laundry.  The kids seem louder and messes bother me more.  My new goal is to devote one evening a week to the blog.

Here's what we've been up to:

Rhodes had his first black eye
We went to The Thinkery with our cousins
Laurel's been climbing
Will won a Principal's award
Swimming!!!


We celebrated Frank's birthday
We went to the Williamson County Aggie Fish Fry
Will and Grant went to Invention Camp. G's final project was this maze

We've had LOOOOOOOTS of snow cones
We explored the Texas History Museum

Laurel had Princess Leia hair for the first time

 
Rhodes suddenly looks like a little boy instead of a baby

 



Wednesday, May 6, 2015

A Good Reminder

I feel like I have a good attitude about the logistics of having such a large family.  I've resigned myself to the fact that when I run an errand it will take me longer to unload all my kids than it will to accomplish my task.  I know that going out for a quick bite to eat is never quick and that using a public bathroom with so many kids requires a prayer for empty stalls.  Today I did not have a good attitude. 

It didn't start out that way.  I got to spend the morning with a sweet friend I  hadn't seen in way too long and the littles were all in agreeable moods. After picking up O from preschool I decided to run into Target to grab a few things and see if the umbrella I wanted for our new patio table was in stock.  Per the usual I ended up with both babies sitting in the actual basket and I had to cover them with my items.  The umbrella was in stock so at one point I was trying to balance it across the top of the basket while pushing.  I looked and felt ridiculous. 

Across the aisle I saw salvation! An unattended and empty basket! I unloaded one baby and the umbrella into the new cart and set off to the check out lines.  As I was walking off I heard someone say "Excuse me!" I turned around to see a stunning older woman.  She had a face full of makeup, perfect hair, and a super cute outfit. She sternly told me I'd taken her basket and she wanted it back.  I felt my face turn red and I scrambled to put Rhodes back into the other basket.  As I was trying to re balance my umbrella Laurel threw my purse over the side of the basket (I guess she was making room for her brother) and everything in it spilled all over the floor. *side note... I stop at Sonic way too often.  I had about 400 Sonic straw papers to pick up.*  After what felt like an hour I had everything picked up and I passed the basket back to her.  She didn't say a word, just turned around and walked off.  She also never moved to help me pick up my things. The only word I can think of that describes how I felt was shamed.  I was embarrassed to be wearing a dirty shirt (Rhodes has a cold and rubs his nose on my shoulder) and for needing a second cart to hold all my kids.   

With a red face and shaking hands I checked out and walked to my car.  I buckled everyone in and started unloading my bags all the while struggling to hold back tears. I was sick of everything being hard and taking so long.  I was tired of having toddler boogers on my shirt and feeling frumpy. I didn't want to see anyone else count heads as I walk by or hear that I had my hands full.  I'd just put the last bag in when a woman came up behind me and offered to take my cart.  She sweetly reminded me to grab my phone and handed me the rest of Laurel's Icee.  She smiled at me and made eye contact.  She laughed and asked me how I'd managed to make it to my car with all the kids and the huge umbrella.  She told me the babies were gorgeous and to have a great day. And just like that my bad mood was gone.

I know that I'm in charge of my reactions and I have learned that I can choose how someone makes me feel. That being said I also know that how we treat people matters. It would have been so easy for that woman to help me pick up my spilled things instead of standing over me and watching. Yes, it would have been an inconvenience to give up her cart, but what a difference it would have made to this busy mom. Say hello, coo over babies, make jokes, do the inconvenient thing if it makes a difference for someone else. Those seemingly small things add up.  Kindness matters. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Accessories

Here's what I've picked out for next to our pool:


Will loved to read in our hammock, but after several years of use ours finally rotted and had to be thrown away. Will was so disappointed.  He doesn't know that I ordered this especially for him to enjoy next to the pool. I can't wait to surprise him!

I can't wait to stretch out on one of these and enjoy the sun a good book!

  I chose navy blue cushions instead of the green.  I'm envisioning many pool side meals.

Pool Progress

We've made tons of progress on our pool.  In fact, it's being filled with water right now!  Yikes! I can't believe It's been so long since I've updated. Here's what we've been doing:
 
 
Rebar and Plumbing

 Spraying gunite

An excited and super cute Grant helping me water the gunite. We had to water it twice a day to keep it from curing too fast and becoming brittle.

We have tile, coping, and a deck!


We added a sidewalk to the pool area.  I'm hoping it will help keep both the house and the pool cleaner.

Sundek texture added

Spraying the Pebble Tek surface.  I have to admit that I panicked about the color after seeing them start.  I relaxed after looking at dark bottom pools on Pinterest. :)

Acid washed and ready to fill!

My Other Place

My friend, Sadia, has a blog called "How Do You Do It? Moms of Multiples Tell it Like it Is." It has many contributing authors and a wealth of information about caring for multiples.  When I was pregnant with the twins Sadia asked me if I'd like to add my perspective to the blog.  Her invitation is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received.  She is one of the smartest women I know and is an amazing mother and writer.  This post of hers will show you what I mean. 


My latest post for HDYDI compared having a singleton toddler vs. twin toddlers.  You can read it here.

Enjoy!

Oliver Turns Four!

 
Our sweet Oliver turned four on March 23. To celebrate this special guy we had a party with Oli's favorite people: "The Cousins" and Lucy. He picked out a tie dye cake mix and requested chocolate icing and lots of sprinkles. 
 
 I can't believe how quickly he's growing up! He is the perfect combination of intelligence and creativity and keeps me guessing and laughing. I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for him! 
 
 


His yummy cake


No need for a fork!



We take a family picture on every birthday. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 







 

March's 10

W and his self portrait


"No hands!"

Eating his muffin he made in school

Watching his brothers

"Cheeeeeese"

New glasses

Cuddles

Stole mama's Iced Tea

Curing cabin fever

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Spring Cleaning

This week I impulsively decided to get rid of all the clothes in my closet that didn't fit. I'd been hanging on to them in hopes of wearing them again after I lost the baby weight I'd gained with the twins.  Well, the weight isn't coming off quickly and seeing all the clothes I'd like to be wearing and can't isn't helping me feel better about myself (this post is all about my struggle with body image.). Basically, I was sick of the drama that getting dressed had become. 

As soon as I started sorting I knew this chore was going to be hard.  I was surprised to find the attachments I had to my clothing. I knew exactly when I'd worn each item and how I was feeling at the time. How could I get rid of the dress I wore to Oliver's first birthday party? No way was I shoving the shirt I wore when we found out we were having twins into a garbage bag.  Normally I love purging and de cluttering.  It brings me peace and makes me happy.  This was awful.  I felt sick and wanted nothing more than to quit. 

I took a deep breath and kept going.  After several starts and stops I ended up with this:


I didn't want to drag all these bags through my house. Tossing them out my bedroom window makes them much closer to the garage.  And it's fun.
 
 
Change is hard for me and I mourn the passing of each stage. The emotions I felt packing up each one of my babies' newborn things were the same ones I felt cleaning out my closet.  It's not the clothes it's the memories. It's knowing that I won't ever get to plan a first birthday party again.  It's embracing that I won't ever again get to see the tiny flickering heart beat of my new baby on an ultrasound screen. This is such a happy time and it's going by so quickly.  I find myself holding onto it with both hands and gritted teeth even though the right thing to do is to let go as gracefully as you can. It's such a hard process and I'm definitely still working on it.
 
 
 
 
 


THIS is happening!!!!

 
We are finally doing it! We are putting in a pool! We broke ground 2 weeks ago and it should be ready for swimming by the beginning of May! We couldn't be more excited!
 
Here's our design:
 




 
We picked Franciscan Tan for our decking
 
 
The top is the tile and grout that will go around the pool at water level.
The bottom is what the surface of the pool will be. We opted for a darker blue instead of the traditional aqua color. We saw a pool with this surface at the Lost Pines Resort and fell in love.  I'm so glad we get to have it too!
 

 
Marking the outline before excavation begins

 
Excited boys watching excavation begin
 

 
Oliver LOVED this!
 

 
Right now excavation is done and this week they will start plumbing and electric.  This summer is going to be amazing!