Monday, April 2, 2018

Ambassador

To my friend.  You know who you are. 


In life we are all asked to be ambassadors.  Sometimes we choose our cause based on our passions and interests (like my obsession love for fostering kittens) and other times our cause chooses us.  

I always say that I cried for three days when I found out I was pregnant with the twins. This isn't a joke. I literally cried for three days. I started when I saw two perfectly round sacs on the ultrasound screen and I didn't stop until I heard a calm voice in my head say "For I know that plans I have for you..." In case you aren’t familiar that's the beginning of Jeremiah 29:11, a verse that I have relied on more than once in my life for comfort and peace.  I'm convinced that voice was God speaking to me. From then on I accepted that I was now a mom of FIVE and I had two babies coming. As soon as my bump became visible I'd Unknowingly and Unwittingly become a spokesperson for both multiples and large families. Unwanted questions, stares, judgements, and advice are still a part of my daily life. For an introvert this can cause a lot of stress and I'll admit that during my pregnancy and the twins’ infancy I spent a lot of energy figuring out how to avoid the unavoidable. The twins are now four (!) and I've settled into this role. I enjoy comparing notes with other moms of large families and LOVE talking to new moms of multiples.  I might not have chosen this cause, but it's one I've embraced and now enjoy.  

I vividly remember the way the feeling in the room changed when she first brought it up.  Her normally confident- always on the verge of laughter- voice became timid and soft.  I swear I felt a draft. 

"X brought up killing himself last night"

I had no words. Her precious son.  The one who loves my twins and will play with them unasked.  The boy who makes me throw my head back with laughter.  The sweet soul who can "read a room" and intuitively knows when someone is upset or stressed. No. Just No. We talk and text for days.  She and her husband come up with a plan and work hard to get X the help he needs.  They put aside their own fears and ask the hard questions. There are ups and downs, but throughout My Friend remains steady. She is the touchstone X needs.  

Then one afternoon My Friend takes X to the dr.  The nurse is new and isn't aware of X's struggles. She asks for a list of X's medications. When THE ONE is mentioned there is a great pause of judgement.  Eyebrows are raised. Throats are cleared. Awkwardness is felt by all. But my friend, now the ambassador for youth mental health, didn't let the nurse shame her or X. She realizes that she too would have felt concern or even confusion by this a few years ago.  She resists the urge to smack the nurse, and instead shows her usual grace. My Friend repeats the list of medications while hugging her sweet X.  Peace was restored in small exam room. 

Friend, I am so very proud of you.  I know you didn't ask for this role. Nobody would- it is one filled with fear, anxiety, and sadness. You have accepted it with a grace and peace that most would be incapable of. You have used God as your compass and prayer as your balm.  It amazes me how your family continues to thrive and move forward despite this tremendous struggle. This is because of you, sweet friend.  Please know that I am always here and I love you.