Finding My Way

I learned of the devastation in Las Vegas this morning right after I turned off my alarm.  I read all the news alerts on my phone and then hid under the covers telling myself  "I can't do this".  As I lay there in tears I wondered what exactly I couldn't do... Get up? Get dressed? Life?  I had to talk myself into waking my children and starting the day.  I wanted nothing more than to keep them home, throw all "smart devices" in the trash, and plan our new compound life.  My heart hurt and I needed my babies near me. 

When my anxiety overwhelms me I can always count on routine.  Predictability soothes me. I lose myself in some mundane task (like folding laundry) and eventually I can feel my heart rate slow and my racing thoughts begin to organize.  Today the familiar drive to our preschool across town was the perfect distraction.  I realized that what I am feeling is fear.  I am afraid that tragedies are going to continue.  I am afraid that the divisive tone of our country is only going to get worse.   I am afraid for my children to be out of my sight.  I am afraid that something "big" will happen when my husband is working out of town and we will be separated.  With every speech, news show, article, and conversation I feel my hope fade and my fear grow. I know I have to find my balance.  To feel fearful and anxious so often just isn't healthy.  Life is hard.  The time we live in is particularly hard. But it can't be ALL bad.

I recently stumbled on this quote by Erline Patrick:

"Life lived and seen through a lens of JOY brings Hope, Strength, Courage, Faith, and Love."  

A lens of joy sounds beautiful doesn't it? After some thinking today I had the idea to use the quote as a sort of recipe.  I want to grow my Hope and Faith especially, but if Strength, Courage, and Love are byproducts too then even better. Other than using Write31 to document this journey I have no idea what this will look like.  My guess is that it will change often.  I'm going to try my best to just go with what each day brings and to make sure I'm looking through a lens of Joy.   

Write31

I may really regret this, but I've signed up for a writing challenge called Write31.  I'm supposed to free write on one topic every day for the entire month of October.  I don't have any trouble writing every day it's the publishing without editing that's giving me pause.  I'm not sure I'm ready to share my ugly stream of consciousness with everyone.  The point is to stretch as a writer and see how deep you can delve into one topic.

Speaking of topics... I have a great one! I am SO excited!  I can't wait to share all my thought provoking posts with you. I have been prewriting and brainstorming like a "real" writer and am so super prepared. 

 

Just kidding. 

I don't have a subject. 

For real. 

The challenge starts TODAY and I DO NOT have a topic.

This is not like me at all.  I want to click the x in the upper right corner of my screen and try again next year, BUT I'm not going to let myself do that.  I'm going to keep thinking and praying.  A subject will come to me.  I've been drawn to this challenge for a reason and I need to have faith that if I keep going I will complete it. 

Even if it starts TODAY and I DO NOT have a topic. 

Dear Darling Children,

Dear Darling Children:

We have had such a lovely summer.  I have loved every second of swimming and eating snow cones.  Staying up late and watching movies with you has been divine. Exploring new places and having fun with friends was just the break we needed. However, we have reached a new point in the summer.  I feel it's only fair to let you know that Beginning of the Summer Mom is gone and has been replaced by End of Summer Mom.

While I am so very happy you're still home this End of Summer Mom is starting to feel the burn from the hot August sun.  The pool isn't quite as refreshing.  The snow cones a little sickly sweet.  In short, my sweeties, you're really starting to bug me.  

In the beginning I didn't really miss my silent house.  It was nice to have the noise! I hadn't realized how quiet things were until they weren't.  Now the constant chatter of YouTube gamers and Oliver's Opera imitations have caused a chronic twitch in my left eye.  I'm hopeful come September it will quit.  If it doesn't and I'm forced to wear an eye patch, then your punishment will be to dress up as pirates with me for Halloween.  I know how you all feel about family themes! Arrrrgh! 

Dearhearts, let's talk about my car for a second.  I know that cleanliness has never been a real priority for my vehicle.  The twins have made that a near impossibility.  However, collectively you all have turned my car into a small dirty Walmart.  It is full of shoes, snacks, books, paper, straws, markers, clothes, cat food, and yesterday I found something resembling a lemon, but Grant corrected me and informed me that it was at one time an apple.  I have found myself on more than one occasion completely bypassing the pantry or cupboard and going straight to my car.  That in itself is worrisome, but that I didn't even think to look in the pantry or cupboard is what really bothers me.  What have you all done to me???

I've noticed a change in our grocery list too. I've gone from ordering 2 boxes of cereal a week to 4. 4 gallons of milk to 6.  2 loaves of bread to 3.  You know what I haven't ordered all summer? Toothpaste. I brush Laurel's, Rhodes', and Oliver's teeth.  Will and Grant. That's just gross, guys. Seriously.  Go brush. 

Now. 

I have one more thing I need to get off my chest.  Beginning of the Summer Mom was really enthusiastic about all the crafty activity things we could do together.  End of the Summer Mom is not.  I am no longer participating in activities involving slime, baking soda, silly string, water balloons, tempra paint, or any activity necessitating a trip to a craft store. I am also not participating in any activity requiring the use of a mixer, oven, stove, scissors, or adult supervision.  However there is good news! There are no longer any limits on screen time or game time! Have fun.  Just put your headphones in. 

Dearest Blessings, I love you and I love our time together.  I will love it even more after August 17. 

Love, 

Mama

  

Rescue Me

The smell almost knocks us over as we walk through the door. The kids begin to make gagging sounds and make bets about what could have made such a horrid smell. My eyes fill with tears both from the smell and from the knowledge that I'm going to be the one to have to deal with the mess. The awfulness gets worse the closer I move to my bedroom.  I'm not sure I want to open the door, but know I really have no choice. I say a silent prayer for a sudden stuffy nose and push the door open. It's worse than I thought. 

Scrappy, one of my newest foster kittens, has taken out his anger at me by leaving me "gifts" all over my bedroom, bathroom, and closet. He is what I call a "revenge pooper".  He doesn't want to be put away and never hesitates to let me know that. G put him in our foster room before we left, but the door is known for not latching correctly. I'm now kicking myself for not getting it fixed. 

After cleaning up Scrappy's Poo Party I skip dinner and head for the shower. While I'm in there I ask myself the same question I've been asked a million times: "Why do you foster kittens...it's so much work and you just give them back in the end?" 

I used to post quite a bit about my foster babies on social media. I quit because I was tired of all the "crazy cat lady" comments. While they were funny at first, they quickly took on judging tone. I didn't want to have to answer that Yes, I had another one, and Yes, I was getting up every two hours all night to bottle feed it, and Yes, I knew it was just a cat. 

To me it's more than caring for just a cat. It's a way for me to communicate with God. It's my way of praising Him for the amazing beings He takes the time to create. I firmly believe we are charged with being good stewards of all His creations. Nothing is too little or too insignificant for God so why should it be any different for me? 

Out of my current fosters these are the two babies that have caused me much worry and have absolutely stolen my heart. 

This is Berry: 

He was found still attached to his placenta outside a Walgreens. He weighed 3 oz when I got him. The shelter's foster coordinator estimated he was about 2 weeks premature. His sister, despite my very best effort, didn't survive. 

Here he is now:

 

He is spunky and spoiled rotten and I'm not sure that my heart will be able to give him up.   

This is Gus:

 

He was found alone at Southwestern University. We think he was about 2 weeks old and at the time weighed almost 12 oz.  He cried for his mom and siblings for days and seriously just about broke my heart. He drinks his bottle with his eyes closed and I always wonder if he's imagining that he's nursing from his mama.

I've only had him about 2 weeks, but here he is now: 

 

.  

I hope I'm always lucky enough to have a house full of kittens. It can be chaotic, messy, even a little overwhelming at times, but my heart is always full and laughter is never far. If you ever need a pick me up this crazy cat lady's door is always open. 

My Friend

I get the text full of pictures and unexpectedly begin to cry. Images of black gowns, mortar boards, bouquets, and smiling faces full of pride and promise. While the girl at the center of the ceremony is one I could not be prouder of, it is her mother that is filling my heart with such joy.  

Emilia has been my family for more than 15 years. We have held each other up and celebrated with one another through life's ebb and flows. We love each other's children as if they were our own. Our friendship is one that runs deep and will no doubt be lifelong. 

I have watched Emilia mother her daughter single handedly. I have seen the tears brought on by worry and fear of the unknown. I have witnessed the hours upon hours of work necessary to pay for the education being celebrated today. I have seen you, Emilia. 

This is your accomplishment too, my friend. Be proud of what you have given your daughter, as you have forever changed her life for the better. 

You did it!!!!! 

Adjusting

I've been asked several times lately how we're all adjusting to F's new job.  It's taken me by surprise that I've had the hardest time with it.  I was so worried about how the kids would deal with F being gone half the month that I didn't really consider that I'd be a single mom for the same amount of time. 

In the past F's job was very demanding, but we saw him in bits and pieces. While I was on my own the majority of the time I did get sporadic relief/help.   Being the only adult in charge of 5 children for 7 days straight is a whole new game.  I'm an introvert and having to be "on" 24 hours a day leaves me exhausted.  I am quite literally out of words by the end of the day.  F will call and I'll have to apologize and explain that our very talkative children have used up my word quota and we'll have to try again tomorrow. I crave quiet and solitude the way I craved donuts when I was on weight watchers.  It's crazy!

While things have gotten easier I still have my moments. This evening wasn't pretty and I feel terrible about it.  The kids had been out of control most of the day.  We had a huge storm this morning and our patio furniture had been tossed in our pool. I spent an hour dragging it out and feeling sorry for myself that I had to do so.  One of our dogs keeps following me around staring at me.  I know she wants/needs something, but I can't figure out what.  At first it worried me and now it's just creepy.  Rhodes has started screaming this super high pitched scream.  All the time.  Happy or sad or mad.  And then there's O.  Oliver is being 100% noncompliant 100% of the time.  Fun times.  All of this adds up to me being one big ball of nerves.  I decide a glass of wine is needed. Just as I'm starting to relax Laurel runs up and garnishes my glass with a twig.

This is the point where I start to lose my shiz.  I won't embarrass myself by replaying all the details, but I will say that there were tears (mine), yelling, stomping, and a rousing command of "everyone to bed NOW" at 7:00.

During the stomping random things keep running through my mind...

"Why did God make THIS my path? This is HARD"

"I need a nanny"

"I'm making some rules and I'm going to post them on the pantry door"

"These kids are UNGRATEFUL"

Then I stop.

The house is totally quiet.  I suddenly feel ashamed.  I sit down in the nearest chair and I just listen.  I listen to the quiet and feel in my bones that I'm exactly where He wants me to be.  I just need to quit fighting.  I'm trying to do this on my own.  He's letting it be hard on purpose so I'll need Him.  I don't need a nanny.  I don't need rules.  I need Him. 

Tomorrow I'm waking my sweet Bigs up a bit early for a breakfast meeting. We're going to have coffee-milk and a talk.  I owe them an apology. Then we're going to make and sign an agreement that says we promise to treat each other with kindness and we promise to notice each other.  It's important that we really see each other.  We can't support each other if we are always looking at ourselves.  That goes for mama too. 

A Rough Start

Happy 2017!  

I hope this new year has started off on a positive note for you and yours. It has certainly been a rollercoaster for my family.  Lots of transitions, changes, discoveries, and resolutions.  Its hard to believe so much has been crammed into 23 days.  It hasn't been an easy time, but I'm hopeful that we're coming out of the worst of it.

As you know we've suspected that Oliver has Dyslexia.  It's a hard diagnosis to make made even harder by his age.  So many of the symptoms can be developmentally normal and outgrown.  The beginning of kindergarten was agonizingly hard for Oli.  My sweet even tempered boy began throwing massive tantrums. Getting to school on time became a struggle because of his refusals to get in the car. We began hearing him say things like "I'm dumb", "I'm stupid", and "I'm a loser". 

My heart broke on Thanksgiving when he cuddled up in my lap and with big tears in his eyes told me "Mama, I'm sad.  I don't know why I'm sad, but I am." As a person who has struggled with depression I knew just how he felt and just what he meant.  My baby was trying to tell me, in the only way he knew how, that his struggles had become too much. I reached out for help soon after.  

The saving grace in this situation has been our amazing elementary school.  They have gone above and beyond what is expected of them for Oliver.  In September we met to request speech testing so that the school district could take over his therapy.  During this meeting O's learning struggles were also discussed. The meeting was adjourned with the understanding that only speech would be assessed at that point.  Without going into too much detail lots of behind the scenes discussions took place and it was decided that it would be best to also test Oliver for a learning disability. To get the district to agree to test a kindergarten student is almost unheard of.  This was truly the work of God.

In early January we were called to school to discuss the results of the testing.  I was a nervous wreck and couldn't sleep for days leading up to the appointment.  I walk into the room and see a woman I don't recognize sitting at the table.  She introduces herself to me and explains that her position is on the district level. At that point I think that either I've gotten the reputation of being "that mom" and they are expecting me to pitch a fit when they tell they aren't going to do anything to help Oli or they've found something really awful in his testing and she's here to explain it to me. Thank goodness it wasn't either of those options.

She starts the conversation off by explaining that she likes to start with the "big picture end result" because she knows that's what parents are anxiously awaiting. I liked her already! She flips to the end of a gigantic packet and points to a page that contains all of Oliver's testing scores.  Only one area is highlighted in blue.  The area is phonemic awareness.  Out of all the testing done on Oli this is the only test that he didn't perform extremely well on. In fact, he did really, really poorly on it.  She explained that a deficit in this area usually indicates dyslexia.  She went on to say that typically in a child as young as Oliver they take a watch and wait approach, but there were several other red flags that made it important to get him tested for dyslexia now.  

Upon hearing the news I immediately burst into tears.  I was just so relieved that I wasn't going to have to fight for more testing.   After taking a deep breath we finished the meeting and set a date for the end of March to discuss the results of the dyslexia assessment.  We all feel confident that Oliver will be identified as dyslexic and we can start getting him the help he needs.  What a blessing that this can happen for him in kindergarten as opposed to second or third grade when identification usually happens. 

I've tried to start this section of the post a thousand times and there's no easy way to do it.  It's the biggest change my family is facing and because of so many pending legal issues I can't discuss it in detail.  When I married F I wrongly assumed that physicians started their practices and that was that.  They didn't move.  Their jobs were stable and didn't fluctuate... I mean everyone gets sick and has babies, right?  I had never heard of noncompete clauses, employed physicians, hospitalists, locums physicians, income guarantees, RVU's, the list goes on and on. I am now completely fluent in this language because it has consumed my marriage for the last 7 months.

In June it was decided that F wouldn't be returning Cedar Park Regional in the new year.  We needed a change and were hoping that we could move his practice closer to home.  After a summer and fall full of introductions, dinners, contracts, negotiations and renegotiations we thought we'd found the perfect place.  We spent the holidays celebrating our good fortune and F went to his new office January 3.   He came home early that afternoon looking especially stressed.  "There's a problem with the new contract"  and negotiations began again.

These 20 days have been a series of "what now?" moments.  Just when we think we have it all figured out another kink in the plan shows up and we have to spend another 3 or 4 days figuring out what to do. We have been in negotiations with 2 hospital systems.  One local and one not.  One has been an absolute joy to work with and one hasn't.  One will be a traditional set up and one will require F to work out of town a week at a time in a critical access hospital.  There are pros and cons to both.  We think we have everything settled.  As soon as everything is signed I can fill you in on all the details.  Until then please pray that this last part will go smoothly without any surprises.  F and I don't like surprises anymore.