Second Guessing

On Wednesday Laurel and Rhodes were scheduled for their 15 month well check. Both babies have terrible colds so they didn't get the 3 shots usually given at this appointment, but we did get to talk about developmental milestones.  As a former early childhood teacher I could talk about milestones all day.  I have loved watching all my babies grow, but the twins have been especially interesting. They have been a concrete example that all babies develop in their own way. In the past I really enjoyed my singletons' well checks.  Even though I had my share of worries (G's speech and W's nutritional needs), the conversations focused on the positive and were genuinely helpful. Unfortunately, this visit didn't follow that pattern.

Now before we get into the nitty gritty about why this visit irked me I have to be honest. The medical assistant set me off and I never recovered. She started the visit by calling for La' Rel and Rose to come back. I laughed and corrected her, but I could tell she wasn't listening. When she asked me to get them ready for weight checks she got L's name right, but kept calling Rhodes "Rose".  When I corrected her again she told me that because they were identical she kept getting mixed up.  Really? Identical? My blue eyed boy looks just like my brown eyed girl? Fine. Whatever. She called my sweet boy "Rose" every. single. time. And every time she said "Rose" I'd say "you mean Rhodes?" and she'd smile and say "yes, her". O.M.G. 

Deep Breath... Moving on...

Before every visit we are asked to complete a checklist about what our child/children can do.  There are questions about what words they are using, if they can stack blocks, if they are pulling up or walking, etc. The pediatricians use this to facilitate our conversation.  When the twins were tiny I had to mark "not yet" on almost all of the questions.  They were premature and the checklists weren't adjusted for this.  I have to admit that even though I knew the checklists were inappropriate it was still a little disconcerting. As the twins have grown I've had to check "not yet" less and less. The gap between their adjusted age and actual age is growing smaller and I arrived at this appointment ready for some celebrating.  Unfortunately, I left this appointment feeling awful and with a referral for "Rose" to be evaluated for physical therapy.

We couldn't see our usual pediatrician so our visit was with a nurse practitioner I was unfamiliar with.   After brief introductions she handed me several sheets of paper and told me she'd noticed that the babies were behind in both speech and gross motor skills.  The handouts were full of activities that would help in these specific areas. Also included was a list of physical therapists I could use to evaluate Rhodes since he wasn't walking yet. Even though I am very educated about child development and am confident about my mothering I left that appointment worried about Rhodes.  I sent a flurry of texts asking my friends when their babies walked and asking for my husband's opinion. I worried I'd missed something and wasn't getting Rhodes needed intervention. I came home and immediately started googling.  I stewed and worried.

That night I watched Rhodes playing in the kitchen. With great concentration he was working to put plastic cookies into a coffee cup.  With every cookie he placed he'd look up to see if I saw his success.  In that moment I was able to get perspective.  Rhodes is fine.  The nurse practitioner was in a rush and used one tool available to her. I have no issue with the handouts or the referral she passed on to me.  I think it's great that she is trying to give parents concrete ideas and point them in the direction of experts. What I do have an issue with is that these were given to me before she'd even examined the twins. She used an inappropriate checklist to make incorrect judgments about them.  She never looked back to see if they were premature (since most twins are), she never asked me how I felt about their development, she didn't look at when I'd completed the forms, and most importantly she had never even set eyes on the babies before making assumptions. Babies develop and change quickly and I'd completed the checklists over a month before that visit (we had to reschedule our original appointment due to the holidays). Laurel's language has exploded in that time.  She literally went from not saying any words to saying more than 5 consistently. That's a lot for a (adjusted) 14 month old! Rhodes' gross motor skills haven't changed much since I filled out the paperwork.  However, I don't feel it's inappropriate for a 16 month old, premature, boy to not be walking yet and I'd hazard a guess that most pediatricians would agree with me. 

I wish our experts would remember that their words have power.  Mothering is a most vulnerable position. These tiny people are our greatest works. We have dreamed of them, grown them, and quiet literally poured ourselves into them. Then, when the time calls for it, we present them to you.  It's your job to assess, critique, and measure.  We wait, with our breaths held, for your verdict.  We trust our experts and believe them. We need our doctors, therapists, nurses and teachers to be careful.  Please measure your words and be gentle.  Be thorough and wise. Your opinion is far reaching.