Again.

I recently read a book called ‘The Body Keeps Score  Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma’. To call it eye opening would be an understatement. One point that stuck with me is that everyone will have differing definitions of trauma. An experience one person sails through may cause someone else excruciating pain (both physically and metaphorically). I would never deny that I took mama’s death extremely hard, but until I read this book I minimalized the affect mama’s slow decline and death had on me. Those experiences changed me. The feelings of helplessness and anxiety were crippling. They were traumatic. 

I am currently experiencing something similar with my father. To protect his privacy I won’t many divulge many details, but the paths my parents were given are similar enough that I’m experiencing many of the same feelings. My reactions are stronger this time because I know what’s coming. I know the pain and struggle involved in this journey. I feel like I’m constantly flinching- eyes closed, body tensed- in anticipation of the unavoidable blow. 

The week before our vacation was horrendous. The severity of my dad’s issues came to light and I was suddenly thrust into a situation I didn’t expect nor knew how to handle. I asked questions and read and reached out. I foolishly left for our trip feeling like I had things under control. We hadn’t even been back a full day when things exploded and the boulder settled right back onto my shoulders. 

Today I hit the wall. All the emotions I’ve been stuffing down came pouring out. I’m absolutely devastated that my dad has to suffer this way. I’m angry that my heart has broken all over again when I’d finally started to feel like myself. I’m resentful. I’m scared. I’m lonely. 

I write to process. It find it helps me see connections and sort out my feelings . I typically leave a writing session with a plan or a feeling of resolution. I don’t have either of those this time. I really wish I could fix this with a list. Check off all the boxes, complete all the tasks and everything would be better. At this point I’d settle for even just a tiny bit easier. 

But I can’t. I just can’t.