Spring Cleaning

This week I impulsively decided to get rid of all the clothes in my closet that didn't fit. I'd been hanging on to them in hopes of wearing them again after I lost the baby weight I'd gained with the twins.  Well, the weight isn't coming off quickly and seeing all the clothes I'd like to be wearing and can't isn't helping me feel better about myself (this post is all about my struggle with body image.). Basically, I was sick of the drama that getting dressed had become. 

As soon as I started sorting I knew this chore was going to be hard.  I was surprised to find the attachments I had to my clothing. I knew exactly when I'd worn each item and how I was feeling at the time. How could I get rid of the dress I wore to Oliver's first birthday party? No way was I shoving the shirt I wore when we found out we were having twins into a garbage bag.  Normally I love purging and de cluttering.  It brings me peace and makes me happy.  This was awful.  I felt sick and wanted nothing more than to quit. 

I took a deep breath and kept going.  After several starts and stops I ended up with this:



I didn't want to drag all these bags through my house. Tossing them out my bedroom window makes them much closer to the garage.  And it's fun.

 

 

Change is hard for me and I mourn the passing of each stage. The emotions I felt packing up each one of my babies' newborn things were the same ones I felt cleaning out my closet.  It's not the clothes it's the memories. It's knowing that I won't ever get to plan a first birthday party again.  It's embracing that I won't ever again get to see the tiny flickering heart beat of my new baby on an ultrasound screen. This is such a happy time and it's going by so quickly.  I find myself holding onto it with both hands and gritted teeth even though the right thing to do is to let go as gracefully as you can. It's such a hard process and I'm definitely still working on it.